


Another Hotel Room

by StormyBear30



Series: The Another Hotel Room Series [1]
Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-17
Updated: 2011-03-17
Packaged: 2017-10-17 01:28:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/171494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tomo is torn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Another Hotel Room

The plane sounds low and loud as I lay on the bed, the only other sound in the room is the rustling of cloth as he silently dresses himself. I want to scream at him, want to fall at his feet and make him stay, but I don’t. Instead I pretend that my heart isn’t breaking for the hundredth time since we’ve started this. I pretend that it doesn’t kill me each time he fucks me and then leave me with barely a word spoken. I’ve come to know this hotel room like I know my own home, have come to know many others as well in the past year and as much as I long for these times with him, they sicken me as well. If I were to never see another one again it would be too soon, but I know that once we are back on the road I will see the interior of many hotel rooms like this, for very short periods of time before we head off to another. “I have to go” He says with no real emotion in his voice and indifference in his eyes as he walks out the door and leaves me alone in the garish room. It’s just another night to him, another night in a fucking airport hotel room before we hit the road tomorrow and start this game we’ve been playing all over again. I think what makes it even harder, what hurts even more is the fact that afterwards among our friends and the fans he pretend as if nothing has happened. He smiles for the cameras, flirts with the women and then laughs and jokes with the band and the crew afterwards as we prepare for another run, another show. I’d love to know what is running through his head in these moments, because I wonder if he is thinking of me, thinking of the previous night in that shit hole of a hotel room where he fucked me unmercifully until we both nearly passed out from the exertion.

“Get your ass on the bus Tomo or were leaving you here” I hear Jared scream at me, jerking me from my thoughts as I lean against the bus and watch him flirt with yet another woman. “Shannon…Tim…get the fuck in here” He screams to them as well, the flirting stopping in that instant as he walks right past me as if I am not even there. I want to grab him, want to slam his head into the ground for ignoring me, for making me feel like I am a worthless piece of shit. I’ve never had the greatest self esteem to begin with, but with each day that passes I find less and less of myself. I sometimes look in the mirror and I can’t believe the hollow shell of a man that I have become and it’s all due to him. I know what I should do, know that I should end this madness and move on, but I know that I can’t, know that I won’t. I love him. It’s a sad and heartbreaking truth that I can’t deny and yet I know that this man holds not a shred of love for me. I’ve lost count as to the many times that we have fucked, and not once has he ever tried to kiss me, hold me, caress me. I’ve tried several times and was pushed away, rebuffed and made to feel stupid and small. I find myself fantasying nightly as I lay in my bunk as to what those lips would feel like against my own. I wonder what it would be like to feel those calloused and manly hands caressing my body, but most of all I think about what it would be like to hear him tell me, if only once that he loved me.

It’s been days since we’ve spoken, days since I’ve felt him deep within me, fucking me, using me and as sad as this sounds, I crave for him. He is like a drug that enters my veins and poisons my mind with my want of him. “I found a place” He whispers against my ear as we stand in the middle of the venue we will be playing tonight. I can feel my heart race, the blood in my veins boils as he walks away, knowing that I will follow him. I wonder where he finds these shitty hotels as we sit in separate cabs going to the same location. The rest of the band gave up trying to stop these not so secret rendezvous a long time ago, because these romps are really quite short and don’t really interfere with our prepping time for the evenings show. This particular fucking is quick and almost brutal, but I love every second of it as I come for the second time during our short visit. I have to curb the urge to cry out my devotion, my love, my need for him as he continues to fuck me with a vengeance. I know I will feel him there for days afterwards and it puts a smile upon my face because I know it could be days before I get to feel the real thing again. Afterwards as expected, he leaves me with barely a word said. Tears prickle within my tired eyes as I slowly get up after he is gone and look at myself in the mirror. Once again I am shocked at what I find, because the once vibrant and healthy Croatian that joined this band so many years ago is no more. I can hardly recognize myself anymore and for the first time in a long time I become angry at him for doing this to me, angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I know what I have to do, but what I don’t know is if I am strong enough to go through with it. What will happen if I finally grow the balls to tell this man that I love that he is slowly but surely killing me and what frightens me the most is, will he even care. Before I even know what I am doing, my fist is sailing through the air, connecting with the mirror as the shards rip open the tender flesh of my fingers and hand. I don’t feel anything as I watch the blood ooze from my mangled hand, falling to the floor as I lose a bit more of my sanity. I don’t know how long I have been here, but I know it’s been a while as a man with an accent enters the room, finding me on the floor cradling my bloody hand to my chest.

“Fucking Christ Tomo…what the fuck were you thinking?” I hear my leader question me for the tenth time as we sit in yet another cab as we head back to the venue after he rushed to pick me up from the hospital. I don’t answer him, because what am I going to tell him that won’t sound stupid and insane. “Twenty seven fucking stitches. You know this means that we are going to have to cancel this gig and all others since lord knows I can’t find a fucking guitarist now with such short notice” I turn my head and look at him because he’s not angry, in fact as I look deeper into his eyes I see that he is concerned, that he knows who and what was the cause of it and once again before I even know what I am doing I am diving into Jared’s arms, falling completely fucking apart.

The shows have been cancelled, and yet I could care less about it either way. I feel horrible that we had to end the tour early and yet as he sits four rows ahead of me on the plane ride home, I find myself more thankful then anything. It’s over and I know it this time. Sure I’ve tried to end it before, but this time is different. He’s not spoken a single word to me since he left me in that cheap hotel room, proving to me once and for all where I stand with him. He doesn’t love me. Hell, I don’t even think he likes me and as much as that breaks my heart to realize, it also helps to make this madness come to an end, finally.

It’s been weeks since I’ve seen or heard from him and yet I feel happier and freer then I have in a long time. I have to admit that it was hard for me to accept the fact that things were over for us and I even considered going to him, begging and pleading for him to take me back, but I held strong. Now, I have no intentions of every going back. In fact as I walk the busy sidewalks of L.A. I think that I have come to a conclusion to another part of my life that I need to put an end to as well. Fishing out my cell phone from my pocket I speed dial a familiar number as I wait for the voice at the other end. “What’s up Tomo?” I hear him speak and I can hear the smile in his voice, a smile that I know will leave the moment that I utter these words.

“I’m leaving the band” I rush out quickly, fighting the urge to end the conversation but instead I hold strong and wait for the outburst I know is to come. He doesn’t disappoint as a slew of curse words fly across the line that I have to hold the phone away from my ear in order to protect it.

“Where are you mother fucker?” He questions me, the anger still so evident in his voice that I once again fight to change my mind.

“It doesn’t matter” I reply as I sit on a nearby park bench watching a group of children playing before me. I envy them, wishing that I could once again be young and carefree and blind to the evil and hatred in the world.

“Tomo please…let me talk to you before you make such a rash decision. I know why you are doing this and…” I don’t allow him to speak anymore as I speak up instead.

“Jared please” I beg, tears misting my eyes because I don’t want to have this fight with him. Hell, I don’t want to have this entire conversation, wishing against wish that I had never fallen for his first advancement so long ago because even then I knew it would eventually fuck up everything between my brothers and the band. “Making this call was hard enough; please don’t make it any worse. I can’t do this anymore. It’s too hard and to tell you the truth I can’t stand that person that I’ve become because of him. I’m ready to change. I want to change and the only way that I can do that is to severe the ties that started this whole fucked up thing” The tears finally come as I hang my head, phone still pressed to my ear as I wait for him to speak.

“I’m sorry that he did this to you Tomo” He speaks up finally and I can hear the truth and the sadness in his voice once he does. “I fucking hate that it’s come to this, but I understand why you need to do this”

“I did this to myself” I speak truthfully, the tears truly pouring down my face at this point as I wipe haphazardly at my wet cheeks. “But thank you for understanding”

“I’m always here for you Tomo” He sniffles and it causes my heart to lurch into my stomach because I’ve never seen or heard the great Jared Leto cry in all the years that I’ve known him. “We’re brothers and I don’t want you to ever forget that” I hear the truth in his words once again and yet I know that I probably won’t see Jared for a long time because just the idea of him and his band mates causes a burn within my stomach. “I love you man”

“Love you too Jared” I concur, disconnecting the call as I lean forward and continue to watch the carefree children still playing before me through eyes plagues with tears.

 

I never expected to hear from him again, but here we are a mere day after I told Jared that I wasn’t coming back to the band and he stands before me. “What do you want?” I ask as we stand in the doorway of my apartment. He looks angry and dare I say torn as he continues to stand before me not speaking a word.

“Why are you doing this?” He finally speaks, his eyes stormy and vibrant as they practically bore holes into my soul.

“You know why” I reply, closing my eyes and hanging my head as I wait for him to explode. Instead I hear something completely unexpected as I look up and find him broken before me. I can’t speak as I watch tears simmering on the lower lids of his eyes before they trail down his face.

“Don’t do this Tomo. I’m not worth it. I'm too broken and too fucked up to give you what you want” He says on a whisper and again I am still too stunned to say anything.

“I know you’re not” My own tears copying his as I finally find the words to speak. “But I am worth it” I watch his mouth literally fall open, watch as those tearful eyes produce even more as he rushes forward and crushes me within his arms. I am once again too stunned to do much of anything but allow it to happen. “Please don’t do this Shannon” I whisper, because it’s all the energy I can muster. “You don’t love me…you don’t even care about me so just please let me go” My body is rigid and taunt as I resist the urge to push him away, because despite it all I can’t help but love the way that he fits against my body. I am weak when it comes to him and sadly it’s something that he knows as well as he increases his hold around me. It’s the most painful thing that I have to do, but I finally have to push him away because the pain of it internally is almost too much. “Just go…please” I beg, feeling as if I am dying right before his eyes from the pain.

“It’s not true you know” He speaks barely above a whisper as he stands before me, looking like his world is ending.

“What’s not true?” I ask, cursing myself for being stupid enough to ask.

“You think that I don’t care for you…but I do. It was just easier to pretend that I didn’t” He hesitates for a moment before he turns to leave. I can only stare at his retreating figure incredulously, unable to fathom the words that he has just spoken. I want to run after him and tell him that I love him and that I don’t ever want to leave his side again, but I can’t. He’s hurt me too many times to remember. He’s made me feel like a common street whore practically every time that we’ve been together. I love him and I hate him, but the hate severely outweighs the love as I rush out into the hallway.

“Shannon…” I call out to him, watching as he turns to face me with such hope in his eyes that I almost lose the courage to do what I am about to do. “Fuck you Shannon” I scream at the top of my lungs, a smile gracing my face at the look of pure devastation I see cross his face before I rush back into my apartment and attempt to slam the door. “Stop it…” I yell as I feel arms wrap their way around me. I become too stunned to do much of anything as a pair of unfamiliar lips descends upon my own. I can’t move at first but then I realize that those lips are the same lips that I have been dying to kiss for such a long time now and so I give in and kiss back whole heartedly. Before I know what is happening we are naked and fucking in a way that near brutal as he practically pounds me into the hardwood floor we are lying upon. Afterwards he sits off to the side, knees pulled into his chest as he drags from a cigarette, staring over at me with eye full of mocking and indifference, a look I have seen time and time before. I feel cheap and stupid as before as I numbly pull my clothes on, wanting to kill myself for once again falling for his bullshit. “Get out…” I speak plainly and with no emotion, getting up and walking towards the bathroom. “I fucking hate you” Is all I have left to say as I enter the bathroom, slamming the door loudly behind me. I can only hope that once I exit the bathroom that he will be gone, can only hope that I can start my life over, a life without Shannon fucking Leto in it. I’m not sure if it can be done, but you can be damn sure that I am going to try like hell in hopes that I can move past the ignorance and the pain and have some semblance of a normal life as I try to prove to myself that I am more then what he turned me into, more then what I allowed myself to turn into.

The End…


End file.
